The Unseasoned Mother

Mental health awareness week

In a fast-paced world that often emphasises physical wellbeing, it is crucial not to overlook the significance of mental health. Just as we diligently care for our physical bodies, nurturing our mental health is equally important for leading a fulfilling and balanced life. Mental Health Awareness Week provides an opportune moment to shed light on the importance of mental health, and encourages us to prioritise self-care, as well as share our own experiences/read the experiences of others. Please remember, if you are struggling, you are not alone.

I’m someone who struggles with anxiety and panic disorder, and have done for as long as I can remember. For the most part, I think I manage it quite well. There are times when it all gets a bit much, but I have an incredible support circle around me who makes living with GAD much more bearable. However, as my trigger is often the world/society that we live in, it can feel like I’m fighting a losing battle a lot of the time.

I have to avoid the news, I don’t listen to the radio, I can’t listen to certain music, I don’t really watch the TV, my social media is only close friends and family, and I tend to avoid large social gatherings. To some, this may sound like I’m living in ignorance, or perhaps some might think I’m missing out. I don’t feel that way – to me, I’m just creating a life that is as peaceful as possible, because otherwise the noise is just too much for me to block out.

Our mental health encompasses our emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing. It affects how we think, feel, and act, and significantly impacts our ability to cope with stress. As someone who thought they dealt with stress quite well, my body told me otherwise by giving me shingles! And let me tell you, that was NOT fun and it was definitely a wake up call.

Just as physical fitness is integral to maintaining a healthy body, mental wellbeing is essential for leading a fulfilling and purposeful life. So, we need to find our happy. Find pockets of joy each day. Create a bubble that makes you feel safe. For me, that’s listening to the birds, going for a walk, spending time with my family, drawing… it can be as simple as that. Anything that can give you that moment of peace and clarity, do it. Eat the chocolate, play that same song 50 times, get the tattoo, dye your hair. Just make that time for yourself!

I know that there’s still the pervasive stigma surrounding mental health that often prevents us from seeking the necessary support and care. Many erroneously believe that mental health concerns are a sign of weakness or that they can simply “snap out” of negative emotions. We know that this is completely false and extremely damaging – this mindset can lead to chronic stress, depression, anxiety disorders, and other serious conditions.

During Mental Health Awareness Week, it is vital to remind ourselves that nothing is worth sacrificing our mental health for. No job, no relationship, no ambition should take precedence over our wellbeing. In a society that values productivity and achievements, we must recognise that self-care and sound mental wellbeing are not indulgences, but necessities. It can be hard to function in a society that sees career progression, money making and qualifications as the goal posts for success, when success might look completely different to you. So if you find that your job, degree, or anything else is a detriment to you and your sanity, please give yourself the grace and respect to put yourself and your mind first. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Some of the following might be helpful if you ever find yourself feeling a bit overwhelmed:

Prioritise emotional wellbeing: Pay attention to your emotions, acknowledging and validating them. Engage in activities that bring you joy, such as hobbies, creative outlets, or spending time in nature.
Establish healthy boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary and set limits that protect your mental wellbeing. Prioritise your needs and ensure that you have ample time for self-care and relaxation.
Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends and family members when you need support. Talking about your feelings and concerns can provide immense relief and help in gaining perspective.
Practice mindfulness and self-reflection: Engage in mindfulness exercises, meditation, or journaling to cultivate self-awareness and foster a deeper understanding of your emotions and thoughts.
Foster positive relationships: Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and support you. Cultivate meaningful connections that contribute to your overall wellbeing. Find people who truly understand you and never make you feel bad for the way you are.
Maintain a healthy lifestyle: Regular movement (a walk, dancing in your kitchen, anything that makes you feel good), balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep all play pivotal roles in nurturing mental health.

Mental Health Awareness Week is an opportunity for us to foster empathy, understanding, and acceptance in our communities. By engaging in open conversations, sharing personal experiences, and challenging stigmas, we can create an environment that supports mental health for all.

As we reach the end of Mental Health Awareness Week, let us remember that our mental health is important 365 days a year. Prioritising mental wellbeing is not a luxury, but a necessity for leading a fulfilling and balanced life. By nurturing our mental health through self-care, seeking support, and fostering a supportive society, we can lay the foundation for holistic wellbeing for ourselves and future generations. Together, let us create a world where mental health is valued, understood, and nurtured with compassion.

Attachment parenting, in a detached society.

Attachment parenting: “this style of parenting emphasises forming physical and emotional infant-parent bonds through designated “tools.” These tools are designed to promote maximal empathy, responsiveness, and physical touch.”

A few examples of these tools include baby wearing (using a baby carrier), bedsharing and breastfeeding on demand. The goal is to create a strong emotional bond between parent and child, which is thought to promote the child’s social and emotional development.

Before becoming a mum, I knew absolutely nothing about attachment parenting. I hadn’t even heard of it! In my mind, you had a baby, they slept in their cots when they were tired and they would only want to latch when hungry. Poor, foolish, misinformed Naomi. You knew NOTHING 😂

Well, in fairness to myself, I was just making those assumptions based off of what I was told and what I’d seen on the TV.

When my daughter was born, she took to breastfeeding straight away which was absolutely wonderful. But holy hell, I was NOT prepared for the reality of exclusively breastfeeding. For around 4 weeks she was latching every 20/30 minutes, day AND night. She was cluster feeding… What on gods green earth was cluster feeding!? Luckily, I am someone who researches everything until I feel like I’m completely informed (because who can argue with facts!?), so I quickly learned all about the different challenges of breastfeeding and happily accepted them, knowing the benefits would certainly outweigh having to go through the hard periods. I’m very proud to say that we are still going strong almost 9 months later.

Initially I was exhausted. Happy, overwhelmed with love and grateful to be able to breastfeed, but exhausted nonetheless. This led to those around me starting to question my choices:

You should introduce a bottle/formula, you need to sleep

She can’t be hungry again, she’s just fed

Are you sure she’s hungry? She’s just using you for comfort. You should give her a dummy.

Now I know these things were always said with the best intentions, I don’t doubt that for a second, but they were unhelpful and at times really disheartening. I was going through such an unknown time, navigating so many changes to both my body and my mind, and all I wanted was support and encouragement. I was choosing to exclusively breastfeed because this is what felt normal and natural to me, I was choosing to push through the sleepless nights… But because it goes against the ‘norm’ in our society, it felt like I was constantly having to justify myself.

At around 5 weeks old, my daughter was still refusing to sleep in her next 2 me crib. I had tried for 5 whole weeks to get her to sleep in there because that’s what I thought I HAD to do. It felt completely unnatural to me. I never let her cry so I was picking her up at least 20 times a night. I was so sleep deprived – I hallucinated that I’d dropped her at 2am in the morning, frozen still in bed screaming whilst my husband tried to reassure me that she was safe in my arms. I couldn’t see her, I couldn’t feel her, I’d convinced myself she was on the floor but I couldn’t move. She was in fact sound asleep in my arms, and the next morning I knew something had to change. This was not normal, nor healthy.

I started researching bedsharing, something I’d never even considered prior. I found an incredible community online for those who encouraged biologically normal infant sleeping. Breastfeeding mothers sharing a sleep space with their infant is biologically normal behaviour and is common across many parts of the world. It’s only fairly recently that the Western world chose to train babies to sleep alone, and I can’t for the life of me understand why. The majority of adults hate sleeping alone, so why do we expect a tiny, vulnerable human to be able to do it without waking in the night!? It baffles me. But that’s a discussion for another day…

My daughter is now 8 months old and she still sleeps with me, much to the disapproval of some. Apparently she should be in her own room by now.

I’m often told what I “should” be doing. I should be putting her in her own sleep space. I should be having some time away from her. I should be taking her to groups and classes. The opinions are endless. But who says what we SHOULD be doing? Shouldn’t we be doing what we believe is right for our child? If mum and baby are both happy and healthy, why do other people make it their concern?

It’s clear to me that we live in a society that prioritises convenience when it comes to parenting and I can absolutely understand why. We are expected to work full time, parent full time and still have a social life – it’s almost impossible. So, those who try and keep up with all that will inevitably choose convenience as and when possible. There is nothing wrong with that and everyone should be free to make parenting choices that enrich them, just as I should be able to do.

I long await the day mothers are able to make their choices and set their boundaries without endless unsolicited advice, because who does that really benefit? The mum who’s just doing what she feels is right for her and her child, or the person with the burning need to get their opinions off their chest?

8 things I wish I knew about breastfeeding before starting my nursing journey

I feel like I could write a book on everything I’ve experienced throughout my breastfeeding journey so far, and I’m only 7 months in! It might just be my favourite thing in the world, but it hasn’t come without it’s struggles! Here are 8 things I wish I’d known before starting my nursing journey:

1. The contractions. Literally. What kind of sick joke was nature playing with this one?! Within the first couple of weeks, it’s very normal to experience uterine contractions when feeding your baby as your uterus starts to shrink back to its normal size. Thank you biology.

*Literally my face when those feeding contractions kicked in*

2. Cluster. Feeding. Mamas, if you’re planning on breastfeeding, please research cluster feeding and be prepared to spend days on the sofa. This is a very common and often overlooked part of breastfeeding which can cause many women to give up on their feeding journey prematurely, due to thinking their supply isn’t enough. Essentially, your baby will cluster feed for a few days at a time during growth spurts. This could be every 20 minutes, day and night. They’re upping your supply ready for their next stage of development – it’s exhausting, mentally and physically, but it doesn’t last long. As long as your baby is gaining weight and having regular nappy outputs, your supply is just fine. Don’t doubt yourself! To make these periods a little easier, make sure you have some Netflix shows lined up and a snack hamper within easy reach!

*When your baby’s been on and off the booby for 48 hours straight*

3. Your baby will be fussy, they will cry, and they will unlatch. For the first few weeks, there would be times where my daughter would scream, cry and thrash around when feeding. She would latch, unlatch and repeat. I remember sitting and crying for hours thinking there was something horribly wrong. It turns out, all of this is normal infant behaviour. It’s sending messages to your breasts to stimulate milk supply. These periods are incredibly hard, but they will pass.

4. The exaggerated latch – A GAME CHANGER. Not all babies will latch perfectly right away, and not all babies will open their mouth and latch as wide as we’re told they ‘should’. My daughter never, ever opened wide and I tried all the tools and techniques in the book. I then discovered the exaggerated latch. I used this for a few weeks until she got a bit older and more experienced, until one day she just started latching wonderfully herself. Admittedly she doesn’t open her mouth wide, she just sucks it in! But it works for us. I think of latching like childbirth – in theory, your waters break, you have contractions, and you push your baby out. But that isn’t the case for everyone – emergency c sections, assisted deliveries, labouring for days… it isn’t always textbook. The same goes for feeding. As long as your baby is gaining, you aren’t in pain, and their nappies are wet/dirty, don’t worry if their latch isn’t textbook. If it’s working for you, keep doing what you’re doing.

5. Babies nurse for so many reasons – hunger, thirst, comfort, growth spurts, leaps… And every reason is completely valid. As adults, we eat and drink for many different reasons, why should a baby be any different? Remember, dummies were created to replicate nipples, not the other way round. You cannot be “used as a dummy”.

6. EVERYONE will have an opinion. You’ll hear “they can’t be hungry again?” “Why don’t you give them a bottle?” “Are you sure they don’t just want a dummy?” No matter how pure the intention, it can be incredibly frustrating. Just block out the noise and continue your journey however you want to. If they keep offering unwanted opinions, perhaps give them a dummy, that might keep them quiet for a while.

*When someone starts offering unsolicited advice*

7. The letdown. I’d never even heard of this before and I didn’t experience the sensation until my baby was around 8 weeks old. The letdown is the reflex that makes your milk flow. Some people feel it, some don’t. I feel it in both breasts when my baby triggers it. It feels like a warm/pulling sensation – it isn’t nice, but it doesn’t last long.

8. How incredibly wonderful it is. Honestly, it’s a very demanding and exhausting thing to do, especially the first couple of months. But, once you get past the hurdles, it’s an absolute joy. The bond, the closeness, the knowledge that you’re providing your baby with so much goodness makes every single sleepless night, cluster feeding period and tears shed worthwhile.

*Me running to tell everyone just how wonderful breastfeeding is*

Trust your body, trust your baby, and follow your instincts. Breastfeeding is such a rollercoaster of emotions and a journey I would do over and over again. If you’re hoping to breastfeed, please utilise all support available, be it Facebook groups or a local breastfeeding cafe. You’ve got this!

How motherhood can change everything.

I’ve changed. I’ll be the first to admit it.

Before becoming a mum, I was so adamant that everything would remain the same. I’d be the same, my relationship would be the same, my mindset would be the same.

I remember sitting in Waterstones cafe with my husband when I was pregnant, and we were contemplating what our life was going to look like once our daughter was here, and I remember us saying “well it’ll be exactly the same, just with a baby”. We were so sure that we were going to continue our lives as usual, be it our weekend coffee dates or our evening Netflix binges, just with a tiny little human by our side.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like our life has had a major overhaul in which we do absolutely nothing we used to, but it’s certainly not ‘the same’.

I’ll start with myself.

I’m still me – still a sensitive, empathic, animal loving introvert. However, I’ve never been more self assured and purposeful than I am now. I’ve always known my own mind and have never struggled to stand strong on my morals and beliefs, but I’ve always been a people pleaser and someone who avoids any type of conflict or confrontation. Whereas now:

I’m no longer a people pleaser

I no longer put myself in uncomfortable situations just to avoid making someone else feel uncomfortable

I no longer feel the need to apologise for being ‘antisocial’ or for saying no

I’m no longer concerned about other people’s opinions of me

It’s truly remarkable how little I care about most things now. When I look at my daughter and my husband, everything else just seems so unimportant. Becoming a mother has changed me, but in the best possible way. So whilst expectant mothers often hear of a “loss of identity” or “losing yourself in motherhood” I’d like to offer an alternative viewpoint – I feel like I truly found myself. The only thing I lost was my need to think of, and please, everyone else but myself.

(Small disclaimer, I still care about people, their feelings and their happiness, just no longer to my own detriment).

My relationship has also faced a few adaptations…

The core of our relationship remains unchanged. We are best friends, we laugh every single day, we talk about everything from the mundane topics of work and what we’re having for dinner, to the happenings of the world and what we envision for our future.

The key thing that’s changed for us is time, or lack thereof. We were together 24/7, from studying the same degree, to working the same job, to living together, it’s always been just us. We were each others priorities and we made the most of our time together. We’d spend evenings watching series after series, we’d spend weekends walking in the north york moores or zipping into town for a coffee date. It was easy.

It’s been quite an adjustment having our daughter. We no longer have those nights watching Netflix for hours. Our weekends are planned around our daughter and her naps or how she’s feeling, and my husband has had to get used to the fact that a lot of my attention is now focused elsewhere. It’s not like I don’t give him any attention, I mean he still gets the occasional surprise packet of cookies. He isn’t neglected (though he may argue otherwise!) but it is different.

We both understand that this is a period of time, a phase, a short pitstop within a long journey. We embrace the shift. Both of us have had to adapt to our new normal, and once we accepted it, we found a way to make it ours.

We go for walks together, we eat our lunch together, we have long talks about anything and everything and we always, always remind each other of just how well we are doing, and how blessed we are to have our little family. We now look forward to warmer weather so that we can go for days out and make new experiences. But these experiences are now for three, rather than two.

Of course, one day, we will have our solo dates and our Netflix marathons, but we aren’t in any rush to get there just yet. We are enjoying being present, taking in each and every day with our munchkin who’s growing bigger by the second. She’s changing too. The months go far too quickly, so we aren’t wishing them away, because one day we’ll long for just one more day like today.

No money, mo’ problems.

“I work all night, I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay. Ain’t it sad?”
-Abba

Yes, Abba, it is sad. Very very sad.

I have never been driven by money. I remember having many conversations with my dad growing up about the importance of earning a good wage (or marrying someone with a good wage!) but it wasn’t something I found particularly important. I always felt happy to coast along – with little to no interest in materialistic items, I didn’t really see why I’d have to earn much. As long as I could pay the bills, buy myself some chocolate and the occasional day out, I was sorted!

Then along came my daughter. My goodness me… PANIC. MODE.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. How am I going to support her? How are we going to take her on holiday? What if she wants what her friends have and we can’t give that to her? She deserves the WORLD and I can’t even give her Blackpool!? My brain was spiralling.

I know, wholeheartedly, that the only thing she cares about right now is the love, and the presence, of myself and my husband. In all honesty, I know that love is the most important thing we can ever give her, and it will continue to be throughout the rest of her life. However, I am very aware of the fact that one day she is going to need financial support be it for school uniform, books, trips, days out with friends etc. and I want to be in the position to say “of course baby, that’s fine, tell me what you need”.

As it stands, we’re barely covering the basics. Both my husband and I are on low wages and our outgoings are considerably high, as we made a conscious decision to move to a safe, family oriented area with a great school catchment. This stretched us financially but we felt the sacrifice was worth it.

Cue me googling “how to make money fast” and spending many a’ night pondering the idea of selling feet pics or signing up to Onlyfans. That would be dandy, but the way my feet look right now, people would be paying me to keep my socks ON.

So whilst I’m still not ‘money’ driven, my mindset has definitely changed. I’m now driven by the intense want to provide for my daughter and give her a secure upbringing. But in order to do that, we need a comfortable income.

Long term it would be absolutely fantastic for my husband and I to enter into higher paying jobs (or even set up our own business). Until then, I’ll be spending much of my free time looking into different avenues to bring in additional income to pop into the savings. Vinted, Etsy, online surveys… every little helps! I will, however, be leaving the feet pics to the pro’s.

This is just the beginning…

I was often told “you can’t truly appreciate what being a parent is like until you’ve experience it for yourself” and honestly, I was naive enough to think that I could possibly imagine the feeling of being a mum. I was a mum to my house rabbit Dusty, and that’s got to be pretty similar, right?.. HA. Silly me!

Before I start my ramblings, I’d just like to preface this by saying that my daughter is only just approaching 7 months old and is my first (and likely only) child, so I’m not the most seasoned mother. Undoubtedly I will have so much more to learn and experience over the next 20/30 years. That being said, I still have a lot to say.

I’ve never really been a maternal person. I didn’t play with dolls growing up, I never dreamt of having a family of my own and I was the person who rolled their eyes at noisy children in restaurants (sorry mamas, I just wanted to eat in peace!) So, when I found out I was pregnant, I was surprised at the instant change within me – it’s like something just clicked and I started to finally get it – ‘this is something incredibly unique and precious’.

I absolutely loved being pregnant. Knowing that I was growing a tiny little human that was half me, half my husband, felt surreal. I started to overthink EVERYTHING. Can I eat this? Can I sit like that? Will googling every single thing I can possibly think of affect my mental health? (The answer was yes, by the way. I now have a love hate relationship with google). I was obsessed. From day one of finding out about our little bean to this very moment, I’ve been utterly consumed with love.

I’ve experienced every single emotion possible since becoming a mum. Shock, exhaustion, love, joy and anxiety, all of which I expected to feel. What I didn’t expect, however, was the intense vulnerability that I now live with every single day. To be so in love with something, more than I ever thought physically possible, is admittedly quite scary. I would do anything for my daughter, and I literally mean anything. Sometimes that thought makes me uncomfortable. Will I feel like this forever?

I’m not sure if it’s a feeling that ever settles down, I’m sure I’ll find that out as she grows, but for now it’s a new feeling I’m trying to navigate the best I can.