I’ve changed. I’ll be the first to admit it.
Before becoming a mum, I was so adamant that everything would remain the same. I’d be the same, my relationship would be the same, my mindset would be the same.
I remember sitting in Waterstones cafe with my husband when I was pregnant, and we were contemplating what our life was going to look like once our daughter was here, and I remember us saying “well it’ll be exactly the same, just with a baby”. We were so sure that we were going to continue our lives as usual, be it our weekend coffee dates or our evening Netflix binges, just with a tiny little human by our side.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like our life has had a major overhaul in which we do absolutely nothing we used to, but it’s certainly not ‘the same’.
I’ll start with myself.
I’m still me – still a sensitive, empathic, animal loving introvert. However, I’ve never been more self assured and purposeful than I am now. I’ve always known my own mind and have never struggled to stand strong on my morals and beliefs, but I’ve always been a people pleaser and someone who avoids any type of conflict or confrontation. Whereas now:
I’m no longer a people pleaser
I no longer put myself in uncomfortable situations just to avoid making someone else feel uncomfortable
I no longer feel the need to apologise for being ‘antisocial’ or for saying no
I’m no longer concerned about other people’s opinions of me
It’s truly remarkable how little I care about most things now. When I look at my daughter and my husband, everything else just seems so unimportant. Becoming a mother has changed me, but in the best possible way. So whilst expectant mothers often hear of a “loss of identity” or “losing yourself in motherhood” I’d like to offer an alternative viewpoint – I feel like I truly found myself. The only thing I lost was my need to think of, and please, everyone else but myself.
(Small disclaimer, I still care about people, their feelings and their happiness, just no longer to my own detriment).
My relationship has also faced a few adaptations…
The core of our relationship remains unchanged. We are best friends, we laugh every single day, we talk about everything from the mundane topics of work and what we’re having for dinner, to the happenings of the world and what we envision for our future.
The key thing that’s changed for us is time, or lack thereof. We were together 24/7, from studying the same degree, to working the same job, to living together, it’s always been just us. We were each others priorities and we made the most of our time together. We’d spend evenings watching series after series, we’d spend weekends walking in the north york moores or zipping into town for a coffee date. It was easy.
It’s been quite an adjustment having our daughter. We no longer have those nights watching Netflix for hours. Our weekends are planned around our daughter and her naps or how she’s feeling, and my husband has had to get used to the fact that a lot of my attention is now focused elsewhere. It’s not like I don’t give him any attention, I mean he still gets the occasional surprise packet of cookies. He isn’t neglected (though he may argue otherwise!) but it is different.
We both understand that this is a period of time, a phase, a short pitstop within a long journey. We embrace the shift. Both of us have had to adapt to our new normal, and once we accepted it, we found a way to make it ours.
We go for walks together, we eat our lunch together, we have long talks about anything and everything and we always, always remind each other of just how well we are doing, and how blessed we are to have our little family. We now look forward to warmer weather so that we can go for days out and make new experiences. But these experiences are now for three, rather than two.
Of course, one day, we will have our solo dates and our Netflix marathons, but we aren’t in any rush to get there just yet. We are enjoying being present, taking in each and every day with our munchkin who’s growing bigger by the second. She’s changing too. The months go far too quickly, so we aren’t wishing them away, because one day we’ll long for just one more day like today.
The Unseasoned Mother 